...And there was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy...
I'm just sitting here in my room on the prettiest day Preston has seen in quite a while. My flatmate, Janine, had her birthday party last night. Everyone got completely drunk and were being really loud and obnoxious. I went out with them, of course, but I didn't partake in their drunken festivities. First of all, I was in no mood to be a mindless moron. Second, I gave up drinking for Lent because it was making me feel really skuzzy. Not that I drank that much to begin with, but I was beginning to feel like the only time I had fun was when my friends and I were out drinking. That was where I drew the line.
It's after 3pm and I'm still in my PJ's. I'm not getting ready until at least 5pm. I refuse. I'm sitting here listening to Something Corporate. I really love that band..my flatmate Ella and I went to see them in Manchester on the 6th and had a blast. I love finding a really good band and then getting into all their different types of songs.
I was talking to Frances the other night. She and I used to be thisclose but we've moved about 6 times and a million things have happened to us since then. We were really young when we were friends, but I still feel like I need her input and her long distance hugs. She always makes me feel like I'm under a really warm quilt and completely safe and covered. She makes me feel like I'm enough. I was telling her about my woes and how listless I feel here. I was telling her that I completely identify with Ani Difranco's song "Superhero." Some of the lyrics I find most valid for my own life are...
I used to be a superhero...no one could touch me...not even myself
But you were like a phone booth I stumbled into
Now look at me, I am just like everybody else....
Tell me what did you like about me
And don't say my strength or daring
Cause now I think I'm at your mercy
And it's my first time for this kind of thing...
I was telling her that I was just torturing myself with my past. I was letting regret and disappointment rule over my emotions and keep me from really living each day to the fullest. She said something to me last night that really made me think. She told me that I didn't always have to be a Superhero. Not everybody is, and some people never are. It's ok to have bad days and weak days and days when you don't feel so strong and on top of things. I don't have to be anything but the girl that God made me to be. I am enough despite my past, despite how people treat me, despite being left behind or my circumstances. I never have to stand alone.
I'm over halfway through my time here. I've spent the first time with my past haunting me to the point that I couldn't sleep. I hear echos from the past and wish things were different. Well, I'm sick of wishing my life away. I'm sick of waiting for things to turn around and then being horribly upset when they stay the same every time.
I'm stronger than this...I've delt with much tougher stuff than some boy not treating me well. I look back at the struggles of my life, and this doesn't even come close. So, I abandon my bitterness, my anger, and my thoughts. I'm choosing to leave them in the valley and start climbing up to the top. I don't even have time for that junk...I've got too much to see and do. I've been moping around about him for too long. I liked who I was before all this even happened. I'm going back.
So, thank you Frances, for the perspective. Thanks for giving me the guts to close doors and not keep reopening them when I know there's a tiger on the other side. Thanks for listening to me. Thanks for not shuting me out.