monochrome
It was the summer of 99. I had one more year of high school left, but my best friend woul be leaving at the end of the summer to go far away to college. I remember driving around with the sun roof back listening to the mix tape she made for me.
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite..." as Charlie would say.
It was the summer of letting go...of my father...of my childhood...of myself.
Several of the songs became favorites of mine. I learned about Ani Difranco. I learned about Caedmon's Call. I learned about the bands I have cried with and smiled with and everything in between. I learned about the songs I can't wait to let people I love hear. Hell, I even learned to play some of it on the guitar. It meant that much to me.
Some of the songs remained just nameless moments on a mix tape. I had no clue who they were and left it that way.
Until yesterday.
I was sitting in my fave little dive coffee shop and one of the songs came on. I swear it was like Frances had walked in and sat down next to me. Tears welled up in my eyes...I cried the whole way through the song because it was like seeing an old friend. It was the summer of 99 again and everything was ok. I wasn't heartbroken and I hadn't been shattered. I was whole.
I asked the owners what cd we were listening to...it was The Sundays.
The song is Monochrome.
Something about that song will make me stay seventeen. Something about that song makes me feel like I'm standing right next to Charlie at the high school dance, wondering if everyone is really happy.
I hope they are. For their sakes, I really hope they are.
I looked up at the library window I had been sitting at yesterday and I could swear I saw him. It made my heart jump. But then I walked the rest of the way home without looking back because I realized how impossible that would be. He was no more real anymore than I was.

"what a beautiful heartache this has all turned out to be"
i spent the afternoon watching the rain fall in big fat drops from the third floor of the library. i paused every few minutes or so from reading the bell jar to glance down at someone running from the rain...wondering if this is how God must see people...running away from the enivitable.
how pointless.
i just thought you'd like to know...

entertaining angels
I can't believe I'm leaving for Italy in 14 days. It's so hard for me to focus on all these papers I have to do (2 down, 2 to go) because I can't wait to be on the beach taking silly pictures with Kate. I got this one of her a few days ago in Avenham Park doing this karate jump...it's frigging hilarious. Nothing better than stupid pictures of your friends.
My flatmate, Ella, got her tongue pierced yesterday. The poor dear could barely talk by bedtime...I went out and got her some strawberry ice cream to eat. I think this has convinced me never to get my tongues pierced. She got home yesterday after having it done 20 minutes before and there was blood all over her tongue. Yeah, I think I'll just stick with what I've already got.
I'm really getting excited about going home now. I know I'll get a few good night's sleep and wake up one morning and wonder if this has all been a dream! I was thinking the other day about all the friends I've made and the people I'll be so sad to leave behind. Then I recalled something Frances once told me, and Kate reminded me of:
Some friends are for a reason, some friends are for a season, and some are for a lifetime.
The friends I've made here are for a season. Without categorizing people into the three (because you never know who you'll end up keeping in touch with), I sit back and think about the girl I was when I got off the plane. I think about the trips I've taken, people I've met, and things I've seen. It makes me sad in a way, because I've done so much of it alone and nobody will ever be able to fully apreciate it. I guess that's just it, though. The things that were intended for me here were set out long before I even thought of coming. As much as I want to stuff people in my suitcase and take them home with me, I can't. I really wish they could see where I come from...I really appreciate Kentucky now. Some of them have promised to come and visit, but I'm fully aware what an easy thing to say that is and what a hard thing to do.
As for now I'm taking as many pictures as possible, giving as many hugs as I can, and cherishing the crazy kids of UCLAN.
I've got my last Comedy lecture in about 20 minutes and then I'll probably stop in Brew for some chai. I need to write in my journal for a while. It's the only thing that's been with me since the very beginning and I'll cherish it when I get home.
I'm not anticipating talking much about England when I get back to Kentucky to most of my friends. I don't want to bore them and I know I could go on forever. I'll just let them see the pictures if they ask and let them draw their own conclusions. Maybe someday, they'll even be able to read my book.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this place. All I know is that it's made me change and experience emotions I never knew existed.
Lexington will be a fresh start.

.::program not programme::.
I am disappointed with the British education system. It is, as they would say, RUBBISH. I had a professor tell me today that I was WRONG for spelling things the way every American does. Not just different; WRONG. What a moron. We must learn to embrace these differences. I walked out of his office more ready to come home than I've been all semester.
It's been raining here off and on all day...with this deceptive sunshine that makes me think of Kelby that August before I left for UK. He even sent me a text once about a year ago and said that he'd seen sunshine through rain and thought of me. I miss that boy.
So, it looks like I'm stuck here in front of this computer...lost in Microsoft-land while I'm longing for Mac-ville. I've got to finish this Fairy Tale essay today and get started on another one very soon. I can't wait to be on the beach in Italy. What joy.
Andrea wrote me the other day and told me that we're getting a house in the Tates Creek area...her parents are actually buying it so there will be no more walking to and from campus.
Someone is listening to Coldplay with their window open in my dorm and the sound is echoing across the courtyard. I used to like Coldplay, and now they just are so overplayed and yucky that I want to throw my CD out the window. I've been listening to The Sundays lately...they've got good music for the way I've been feeling.
I leave you with a quotation from Empire Records...
"What makes you think that?" - Joe
"Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear!" - Lucas
BTW, good luck to Ella who is getting her tongue pierced today. I'll get you some strawberry ice cream!

.::beautiful day::.
I had a day so wonderful yesterday that I cried last night when I was going to sleep from the joy of it all.
I sent Erin her 21st birthday present and then was walking back to Whitendale, when I decided to stop in Brew. It's this new coffee shop that faces the Assembly here in Preston. This place is so Charlie it isn't even funny.
I went in and the owners were there...Caroline invited me to sit down and have a chat with her. We ended up talking for about 3 hours. She's one of those people who really listens and I guess I needed to get some stuff out. I listened to her for a while as well, and then she started asking me about my dreams and plans for the future. It was so nice to be around someone who really cared. She's 32, but I like that because I always get along better with people a bit older than I am. Anyway, we talked about everything from smoothie recipies to our families to careers. I promised to bring her in some new recipies and we're going to read each other's favorite books. Also, I'm going to help her find some bud vases for the tables in Brew. Something to add a little color and spice.
I'm not quite sure why, but I went out to Quincy's last night. I always come home all sweaty and smelling of cigarettes, which I hate. There were a few cool moments last night though...like when they played "Sweet Home Alabama" for me. Also, Eliot and I were up dancing like morons at one point and they played some old Green Day and Offspring and we both went nuts. "sometimes i give myself the creeps..."
As for today, I'm going to buy some daisies and bud vases and take them to Brew to see what they think. I've also promised myself to work on that Fairy Tale essay that's coming up due. We all know how that goes...I am the queen of procrastination.
I woke up this morning feeling fatigued from last night and HATING the fact that I'm 6 hours ahead of my mom and I can't call her yet. I always am curious to see what she's been up to. She's my sunshine.

Let the Countdown Commence!

This place is finally starting to get old. I'm really anxious to get back to Sexy Lexy and see my friends...especially Matt. I was talking to him a minute ago and this is what I said...
littleblackstar9: plus, if one more ugly ass toothless inbred enlish guy asks me if i "fancy a shag" i'm going to set myself on fucking fire
This, folks, is the end of the line.
I had a splendid time with Stef. We even spent a night with popcorn and pajamas watching Harry Potter. It was a nice break from Preston. Kate and I will be shipping out very soon for Italy and then I'm kissing England goodbye. I'm going tomorrow to pick up my UCLAN hoodie...what an exciting chore. Also, don't anyone forget that Erin's 21st birthday is on May 11th. She needs a big party or something.
This is the last week of lectures here and the red light is starting to go off for me...I've got like 3 essays due very soon and I need to get cracking. It's just so hard with all my friends back in town and I want to spend time with them in my last few days here. Who needs Economics essays??? NOT ME.
I still can't believe that all this happened...what a whirlwind...first getting here and being all sad about Chris and all that stuff...to a few months later being right back on top of life. England has completely changed how I see things and what I appreciate about where I come from. It took getting my heart broken and homesickness on top of that to make me realize what I want and what matters to me. I guess it takes extremes sometimes to get people to snap out of a boring routine. I thank my lucky stars that I got the opportunity to come here and experience all this.
I'm changing CD's from Dashboard Confessional to Switchfoot.
From now on, every day is no longer a quiet disaster. I'm giving up missing the way things were. From now on, it is a beautiful letdown.