*Song of the Day* - "Sick Cycle Carousel" - Lifehouse
My dear friend Bryan who goes to MSU just IMed me and asked me to come to a party there tonight. I reminded him that would mean quite a long drive for just a few hours and that I have class in the morning. Oh how I wish I could go see him. He's one of my best guy friends of all time...there through a lot of my life that just plain sucked...and I don't get to see him enough.
That's the way life goes now though. I don't get to see a lot of ppl I'd cut my arm off to see.
College is weird like that. It rips you right out of your comfort zone. It tests you in the fire to see what you're really made of. Some of me has burned away, but I swear I'm still underneath everything.
Today has been very difficult to just be awake through. I only slept 4 hours last night. I skipped class tonight for the first time in so long I can't even remember. I had to. I'm too worn down to want to talk about Rock. I needed to just curl up in bed and think and sleep. It would really mean a lot if you'd call me. Yes, you. I am talking to you. Don't think I mean that for someone else.

*Song of the Day* "Get Free" -The Vines
*Forecast* - The clouds are lifting and the sun has come out in full force...
I could barely sleep last night for the few hours I attempted to sleep. I ended up sitting looking out my window at the leaves falling at about 7am until I had to get ready for class. I had way too much on my mind to sleep. Have you ever felt like that? You can be so exhausted and drowsy, but there's no way your mind will shut down long enough to give you peace. So here I sit now, tired but so happy. I feel better today than I have in a long time. I've got to start making decisions...taking charge of my life...I'm starting today.
A special thank you to the friend on the phone last night. I was listening to every word you said...

"Senorita, I feel for you. You deal with things that you don't have to..." - J. Timberlake
Just sitting here feeling blue. Wishing I was somewhere else...some other time...some other girl. Don't get me wrong. I like being Mandy, and I understand that if things are to change things, it has to be me that changes them. I'm just wondering when to let this all begin. When does the red curtain go up? That is for me to decide...and that is the problem exactly. I'm bad at making decisions for fear of a mistake. It's about time to start making mistakes.
I've been a passenger in my life for way too long. It's time to hop over to the drivers seat and see where this ride takes me.

I never wanted to be one of those people with the road map so close to their face they don't know where they're going.
I'd rather put the map down, take wrong turns, and embrace each day never really knowing.

Paducah was in a sad state when I went home. All the Jesus-kids had turned into drug addicts. The drug addicts had turned into memorialists because they're dying off faster than the American Buffalo. It still felt like home, but in a strange warped way with building gone in some places, and new ones where they shouldn't be. My height chart in my closet had been painted over and now I have no clue how much I've grown.
Erin and I layed around and talked and cried and confessed...and it wasn't just like old times. It was something different. It wasn't better or worse, just more mellow. I'm starting to see that happiness is a choice we make. It's a matter of seeing the sun through the clouds on an overcast day. It may not be visible, but it's there.