* dreary Saturday far away from you *

It's snowing a little bit again. Sort of makes me want to go home...just take off and drive all the way across Indiana and Illinois and sit out by the lake. Days like this really make me long for summer...I can't stand cold weather.

I guess it's time to start a countdown of days until I leave for England. I remember when my friend, Frances, left Paducah to go to college. She was a year older than I and that meant that I had a whole year of high school to get through without her around. That fall, I made a paperchain of little pieces of bright construction paper and hung it up in my room. I would tear one ring off for each day that went by until she came home for Thanksgiving break. My friends and I even organized a welcome home party to meet her at the airport and we made signs and brought flowers. It was such an exciting day.
I seriously doubt that anyone will be making any paperchains over this one, although my English friends (Stef, Laura, Claire and Kat) sound pretty excited that I'm coming back.

I fly out in 18 days.

It's hard to imagine. I remember waking up on June 2, 2003 and packing up the last of my belongings and leaving my vacated room...I met Kate down in the courtyard of Whitendale Hall and we made our way to the train station. I have to admit, I felt pretty overwhelmed. I remember the train ride to the airport as clear as day. Kate and I were on separate flights and so we parted ways with a hug and a "see you back home."
I was sitting there waiting to board my flight and watching the people around me. What were their stories? Could they possibly know how empty and sad I felt? A few days before, I had been on the beach in Spain and dancing in Italy. I was leaving without really accomplishing anything I had set out to do, except that I had a grand adventure. I don't feel like that girl at the airport in Manchester anymore. I refuse to be all sad and nostalgic about the way things went. I am going back over there to have a wonderful time and sort things out in my mind.
And then I am coming home.

I had a short conversation with Kelby last night. He's in California and I miss him terribly. It's so nice to hear his voice sometimes...just when he calls me and leaves me little messages to say that something reminded him of me or that he misses me. It's a great comfort — it makes the miles between us feel like nothing. I suppose everyone that I have ever really loved is quite a way away from me right now. It's a hard thing to swallow, but the little messages get me through. It really makes me want to be in heaven — a place where there is no distance and sad goodbyes anymore. You just get to be surrounded by love all the time. How nice that must be.

John Mayer gets on my nerves sometimes, but I heard this song on the commute this morning and had to share it because it felt so much like today. Read them out loud and let things be very still.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I know a girl.
She puts the color inside of my world.
She's just like a maze,
Where all of the walls all continually change.

I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand,
But I'm starting to think
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

Fathers be good to your daughters;
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Oh, you see that skin;
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day you two met.
I bet I was on your mind
Never never anytime.

Fathers be good to your daughters;
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Boys you can break,
You find out how much they can take.
Boys will be strong, and boys soldier on,
But boys would be gone without warmth
From a woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl,
You are the god, and the weight of her world.
On behalf of every man whose looking out for every girl,
You are the god, and the weight of her world.

Fathers be good to your daughters,
Daughters will love like you do, yeah.
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers,
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

love,
me

*major life decisions with a magic 8 ball*

I bought a ticket to England yesterday. I am going to visit some friends and my favorite old town, Preston. I can't wait to get over there....I'll leave a few days after Valentine's Day (so that I have something to look forward to instead of how stupid V-Day is) and come back before the end of the month.
I called Kate (my travel companion in Italy) to let her know I was going back and she sounded like she wanted to go as well. It'll be 2 years in June since I was in England last and I think that calls for a return visit. Jessica from Indiana (another friend from my semester abroad) will be meeting up with me over there and I'm super excited to see her again.
It's all a bit overwhelming...the thought of going overseas again. It takes so much planning and so much thought. There will be a quite a bit of journaling while I'm over there, but I don't want to have my face pressed into a book the entire time and forget to look around.
My Lord, I really can't believe I'm doing this. It's insane. Oh to be young.

I suppose it's times like these you learn to love again...Thanks Dave for that lovely lyric.

So, there was a Katie Couric special on TV last night that I watched...it was 20 teens between 13 and 16 years of age talking about their sex lives. They answered questions about how the media effects them and what have become common practices in middle and high school. It was quite shocking, but really, these are monsters that we ourselves have created.
I had heard the phrase "friends with benefits" before from college kids who were convinced that they were capable of having physical relationships without any emotional attachment. I really didn't expect to hear that 13 year-olds were doing this. Good grief. I don't think I even knew about half the stuff they were speaking about when I was in 8th grade. How sick. I was busy in 8th grade playing soccer, having slumber parties and being on the honor roll.

Don't get me wrong...there were some skanks in our school just like every school who were probably sleeping around all over the place. It's just that they were the minority. My friends and I just didn't associate with them and paid very little attention to them. I'm really glad that I let myself be a kid when I was a kid.

Maybe I'm just being nostalgic.