* no sleep till Nashville*

Hello faithful Blog readers.
The next time I post (after this one, of course), I will have returned from Nashville and will have my entire life sorted out. Actually, I talked to Jakie and now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't consider St. Louis as well. Oh man.
*sigh*
I guess I can just enjoy the not knowing.
Either way, I'm leaving for MY fall break (no more of this college business) tomorrow after church. I'm leaving work now to go home and pack.
My buddy, Chris, is taking me to Gotee Records tomorrow — home of Relient K and Sandtown. I'm super excited to see that place. Maybe I'll just walk in there and they'll love me so much that they won't let me leave. I'll be held hostage and forced to write and drink coffee and sing. Yeah.
Man I need a break. I am so excited!
I hope the leaves are changing colors wherever you are and that they are beautiful and that you are crunching through them on the way to see someone that you love.
AAAAAAAAAAAAA....IM GOING TO NASHVILLE!!!!!!
8>)

*she said she's had enough*
(so it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck)
I'm house sitting for April over the weekend, and then after church on Sunday, I'll be on my way to NASHVILLE! I'm super stoked to be going down there on my own to meet up with Chris and check out Gotee Records and wherever else we end up going.
Have you checked out nooma.com? If not, you should. This really young and post-modern seeming preacher has made a series of 10-15 minute clips. They are absolutely amazing...I watched the "Orange One" last night at my fellowship and as always, it blew me out of the water.
The premise of the film is this: a little boy is begging his father to buy a toy for him that the father knows will just break and leave him upset. The father has to pick up the son and carry him out of the mall, but he takes him across the street and lets him have his pick of kickballs (he chooses the OOOANGE ONE).
I really see how much I've been throwing a tantrum at the kiosk with the junky toys begging God to give me what I want. "But I NEED it! I thought you LOVED me!!"
I've been telling God that if He will just give me this one thing that I will be happy.
He's a lot bigger than me and seeing as how he can see into the future and I can't, AND trusting that God is good and wants the best for me, I have to believe that I haven't gotten what I want for a reason. There has to be a good purpose behind all the times that God has not let me have what I want.
The real question here is what you believe about the nature of God. If you really believe that God is good...a loving God that can be trusted (as I do), it leaves you with no other choice than to place your trust in him and let him pick you up and carry you away from the things that will hurt you even if you want them.
Maybe God has something even better for me than I could imagine to want for myself.
When we hold on to things that God doesn't have in store for us, not only are we prolonging the delay of blessings to come, but we are choosing to look a loving God in the face and tell Him that we know better than He does.
That is just silly.

* MeXiCo *
My mom called me last night and sounded so excited...her sister, Esther (the one in Colordo that I went to visit on spring break) is flying in to St. Louis and they are joining some of the other women in our family for a cruise to Mexico next week. Mom sounded wonderfully happy to be going on a vacation with the girls...especially to a place that she hasn't been before. I guess this is really one of the first vacations that she has been on without my father, and she really deserves it. I remember the trips we took when I was growing up; to Florida, to California, etc. My father always found a way to ruin the trip with his bad moods or sulky attitude. I'm really happy for her that she will have a chance to just go enjoy herself without having to worry that someone will try to bring her down.
I guess more than anything, I'm worried that I'll end up with someone who does that to me...tries to keep me from enjoying anything and constantly is in a bad mood. My mother put up with that life for 38 years and I absolutely refuse to deal with that.

** i had a dream last night, and it fit me like a glove **
I had a dream last night, or actually, I suppose it was this morning. I remember waking up and looking at my alarm clock and then drifting back to sleep for about an hour. That's when the dream happened. I saw him. It was so clear that I really believed that I had seen him.
Have you ever had a dream like that?
I had so many things I wanted to say to him, but my frigging alarm went off before I could move. I just lay there so frustrated that I had finally gotten to see his face for all of a split second and then I had to wake up. I really could have looked at him for hours...just staring and trying to comphrehend it all. Why things happened the way they did. Why he pops back in and out of my life, seemingly just to see if I am still alive every few months or so. I woke up so frustrated that I couldn't go back and talk to him that I nearly cried. It's like having a door opened in front of you and behind that door is someone you love that has been separated from you by distance, time or even death. All of a sudden, someone comes along and shuts the door and not only does it lock, but the door itself vanishes into thin air.
It's mid-morning now and I honestly still feel extremely frustrated. There is nothing that I can do except watch the days and nights go by and count the days.
Still, I dream.

.::banana nut bread::.
So, I went to my friend April's house last night for dinner and a house-sitting orientation. When I walked into her house, I picked up on one of those cozy grandma's cottage in the woods kind of aromas...dude! She made me banana nut bread. By the time I got home with it, the bread was still warm and I immediately scarfffed down several slices. Fall has arrived.
The night before last, April and Beth dyed my hair...let me try to describe the color to you.
If you could walk outside and sit underneath a Japanese Maple with the sun directly overhead...that is the color of my hair. I have resisted cutting it for quite some time, but I simply could not deal with having it be just plain brown. It feels good to be a redhead again.
I'm definitely going to Nashville on Sunday. I am so excited. I need to be sure and take my camera and journal so I can record everything that happens and my ideas and thoughts.
I hope that wherever you are that someone has made you pumpkin bread and that you are sitting by a warm fire reading a book with a cat in your lap.